My Top 10 Highly Prized Dreamboat Requirements

Photo by Mark Chan on Unsplash

I’m really bad at this. Making lists.

“Wake up.” Indeed.

One of the first lists I ever made and tried to take seriously was the kind of man I wanted to marry. Of course, when you’re seven years old, you don’t realize that you can’t conjure up a dreamboat based on a *Top 10 list.

Love doesn’t work like that…I’m assuming.

And men, are notoriously stubborn.

Whittling down the important, biological task of pair-bonding to a list is especially futile when you’re picky as hell — and generally can’t stand people for any length of time.

Also, fun fact: I wound up with someone the complete opposite of this list, except for the important parts. So, FML.

  1. The man of my dreams can make me laugh so hard I will shit my pants, and then,
  2. he wouldn’t care. He’s not hung up on proper etiquette. If I fart or burp in public, oh well. Nothing would dash that look of love in his crinkly eyes.
  3. He’s kind. He can’t help himself. He will always lead with his heart, when his head barks, “scrape ’em off, Claire!” We’ll take care of the world, together.
  4. He has a good head for business. He’s the smartest one in the room, but you’d never know it, because
  5. he’s also humble, the last to think highly of himself. He’s too busy focused on finding…
  6. solutions to problems that arise to bother with vanity. His love language is going out there, putting his head down, and fixing shit that’s broken.
  7. He’s genuinely interested in what you have to say, whether you’re me or the ex-veteran down the street who finds himself down on his luck.
  8. He doesn’t bother with fashion. Materialism, status symbols, designer labels gross him out. He’s usually in worn-out jeans and a t-shirt, keeps his nails short, clean, unfussy. The thought of a manicure fills him with terror.
  9. He doesn’t smoke, do drugs, or even drink much. He can’t stand the smell of cancer sticks. He’s healthy overall, but occasionally indulges in foodie adventures, like me.
  10. He chews with his mouth closed and suffers from the same form of misophonia as me about people smacking their lips and humming or singing while they eat. But he’s not a jerk about it.

I actually excerpted my Top 10 from a larger list, including my preferred physical traits. Some of them might surprise you.

  • Tall. Almost freakishly so. Basketball player tall. Gangly, awkward, clumsy, boy next door tall.
  • Freakish. Serial killer-psycho vibe. He scares off all the girls who are into pretty boys and jocks, because they want what every other lemming wants: Brad Pitt. (YUCK.) Give me Silas from “Da Vinci Code,” or Commodus from “Gladiator” any day. I’m not attracted to the violence; I’m attracted to the fact that he’s different from the rest, unexpected, raw and real.
  • All the girls go for the face. And, to a certain extent, I do too, but in a different way. (See freak show above.) I’m drawn to the combination that may be slightly asymmetrical, yet, in the right circumstances — when he smiles at me — buckles my knees. Andre Braugher. Mark King in that Level 42 “Something About You” music video. Tucker Carlson. Amphibian Man from “The Shape of Water.” I once fell hard for a skinny, bespectacled oddball everyone made fun of when I was in 7th grade. William spent most of his free time up in a tree searching for alien life in the night skies. Swoon!

OT PS. Can someone invent a cup that can keep coffee hot for longer than five minutes? I’m tired of drinking my brew cold.

Jazz Medium©: Feeling the music, one review at a time.

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